|©Copyright 2009-2012 Out Of The Blue.
By MICHELLE McALLISTER
Published: April 23, 2012
Out Of The Blue ootb646.com
So I’m sitting at my computer minding my own damn
business, writing and possibly having a cocktail when the
other half holds up the latest Avon brochure and says, “ See,
this is what I think you should do” as he’s pointing to the
picture of the lady posing for the old lady face cream.
I immediately responded, “Thanks honey. That’s great you
think I should be a model for old age cream” as I give him the
thumbs up sign. It was exactly what I wanted to hear as a 40
year-old woman in sweats and an old raggedy t-shirt while
wearing absolutely no make-up what-so-ever. Then I imagined myself stabbing his eyes out with those
ergonomically designed tweezers on the opposite page.
Let me give you a tip, guys. It’s better to say nothing at all if you aren’t absolutely, positively sure that
what you are about to say is a good idea. And if you aren’t sure what to say, you can never fail with “you
look awesome today” or the simple “I love you. You’re amazing.” It’s not fucking rocket science. Never
EVER reference your wife/girlfriend/other significant woman in your life in regards to anything that
makes her feel old, fat, or ugly. Unless you never want to get laid again, and in that case, by all means
say whatever the fuck you’d like.
There are many other instances where you might find some Helle-pful Hints to get you through your day.
Because I’m nice, I’ll list a few for you. If you need more Helle-P, you can email me and we can work out
a payment schedule.
Your Significant Female asks: Do I look fat in this?
You: You could never look fat. Have you even had a bite to eat this week? Please eat before you die! I
could never live without you!
SF: I’d like to go to XYZ event. Are you busy on that night?
You: I’m never too busy for you. Can I arrange a limo to drive us?
SF: I just need a night out with the girls. Do you care?
You: Not at all, dear. Can I arrange a limo for you? (Should you actually arrange the limo for her, make
sure there’s champagne. It’s win-win.)
SF: Can you fix/do ABC?
You: Sure I can, I’ll get right on it! (Alternate answer: I don’t know how to fix/do ABC, but I will call
someone who can do ABC ASAP and it will be fixed/done before you wake up tomorrow!) Side note: If
you don’t know how to do ABC but you learn and do it, you’re in like flint forever. We love guys who can
SF: I don’t really feel like it tonight. Is that OK?
You: Of course. I’m happy to just be next to you. (Don’t try to feel her up or make any advances at this
point. Just hold her innocently and sweetly. Trust me.)
Never ever say under any circumstance:
You’re just saying that because you’re on you’re period. (or any variation of that).
To the guy flirting with her: Go ahead and take her, you can’t afford the payments.
I fixed your vibrator. Wanna try it out?
The C Word. I’m a lady (ahem) so I can’t say that word. But it rhymes with “punt.” Never acceptable, no
matter how mad you are.
Never ever say No. Unless of course, the obvious answer is Yes. Duh.