|©Copyright 2009-2010 Out Of The Blue.
By MICHELLE McALLISTER
Published: December 15, 2010
Happy F#$%ing Holidays!
Out Of The Blue ootb646.com
Today one of my friends shared a quote
that really hit home with me. It was from
the show Family Guy, which I admit I
don’t watch but several of my kids do.
The mom, Lois, apparently was feeling
somewhat like I do this holiday season,
when she uttered “You all think Christmas
just HAPPENS! You think all this goodwill
just FALLS from the freakin’ sky!!! Well it
doesn’t!!!! It falls from my holly jolly butt!
So you can cook your own damn turkey;
wrap your own damn presents and while
you’re at it you can all ride a one horse
open sleigh to HELL!!! Auuuugghhhh!!!”
I’m totally feeling Lois. As a matter of fact, I’m thinking about contacting my attorney because I’m quite
sure that the Family Guy writers may have been eavesdropping on my life the last few weeks and I
want some fucking royalties. Maybe it could even be a class action lawsuit for all moms everywhere. I
mean maybe we can at least get enough to buy a fifth a piece.
Now mind you, this rant comes after a snow day that cut into my actual Christmas shopping time
because between basketball and LIFE I haven’t had time to start the shopping. And after looking at the
calendar today, I realized I’m really in crunch time for Christmas shopping. Luckily for me, I’ve cut gift
recipient list down drastically from previous years.
But, I’m left wondering about this whole holiday prep thing. I spend all my time making sure Juniors 1
through 4 are happy on Christmas morning. I clean the house so we can gather here; I cook the dinner
we all eat. Oh, I also wrap the presents and make sure that those that require batteries have them and
those that need assembly are complete before Christmas morning. Everyone else just shows up.
I’m not trying to buck tradition or anything, but after considering all of this, shouldn’t Santa be depicted
as a chick in a skirt and heels carrying a purse looking all harried as she runs around between the
Walmarts and Best Buy making sure everyone’s wish list is covered? And shouldn’t our poor Santa
Chick at least get an evening at a fine dining establishment with several martinis and some amuse-
bouche, at the very least?
If you are over the age of 12, you should realize that Christmas just doesn’t happen. It takes work from
a very dedicated person, most likely a WOMAN, who is your mother. The same woman who gets no
recognition for all she does for your family at Christmas time because some fat, imaginary fucker
named Santa takes all the credit. Most likely, she is also the one who doesn’t get a gift on this
momentous occasion. And if she does, it’s probably not one that she really wants, but she will accept it
graciously because that’s what Moms do.
So at the very least, tell your Mom thanks this holiday season. If you really love her, show her, whether
it is with a gift she really wants or cleaning up the house after all the eleventy hundred guests have left.
Whatever you decide to do, just make sure she knows you appreciate her. You’ll be in like flint until her
birthday and she won’t be in a pissy mood for yours.
Recent Family Guy episode "Road to the North Pole." FOX Broadcasting Co.